Sometimes the journey is not fun....

On our journey

 

Life has been a roller coaster this week, and not one I would want to ride again.

We spent Sunday at the emergency room because Lisa has had severe pain in her right eye for the past two weeks, and then over the weekend she couldn't read things. After a lot of hours, some blood tests, and a CAT Scan, the ER doctor told us everything looked fine and that she was probably having a migraine or something. I think he thought we were drug seeking or something because he suggested Lisa go home and take some ibuprophen. I became a little unglued at the idea that he thought she just needed some ibuprophen. Do doctors today think that people don't know enough to take ibuprophen on their own, before they go to an emergency room? WTH. Nonetheless, I was relieved that he said Lisa didn't have a tumor behind her eye, which was our biggest fear.

After a long exhausting day, we retrieved Maggie from what turned out to be an all-day play date (her favorite). We all went to bed early that night as the 3 of us were exhausted. Loud thunderstorms woke everyone, which seems to be a happening a lot this past week, so we had another night of not so much sleep.

Monday morning Lisa receives a phone call from the hospital where she was treated. They are calling to tell her how sorry they are, but they didn't read the CAT Scan correctly and that she does have something serious going on. I was pissed! WTH!!!

They fit her in to see a specialist the next day. That night Lisa and I are both stressed about what this could mean. Needless to say, neither of us slept well that night.

Tuesday, Lisa heads into work to get some stuff done before her doctor's appointment (she is an overly dedicated employee that anyone would be damn lucky to have--but that's another story). I am stressed because I have a work appointment that I cannot miss because it took weeks to set it up, so I can't go to the doctor's appointment with Lisa. I am over at my office waiting for my appointment, and worried that this could be something serious going on with Lisa. After 15 minutes past my appointment time, I get a message that my appointment isn't going to make it and how sorry he is. Can we reschedule for tomorrow? !*%#*!

Lisa calls me from the doctor's appointment. I can't make out what she is saying because that damn medical facility has sh-- for a cell signal. We are both stressed enough to be snippy with each other at a time when we should be nothing but supportive. The doctor thinks she has a severe infection that has caused fluid to build up around her eye. She is given an rx for a super high dosage of steroids. Again, we are relieved that it is not something more serious. At least that is what we are hoping.

That evening, we are both at our wits end with the amount of stress we are carrying around regarding the medical scare and a host of other things. Lisa is wired from the massive steroid dose she took that night. Again, big thunderstorms throughout the night and a not a lot of rest.

Wednesday morning, Lisa is feeling a little better and goes back to work. When I wake up I realize my cat, Kenny, is not doing well. This is a cat who has almost died on us a hundred times (he is 17 years old and has been dying the last two years). This time he really doesn't look well. He is wobbly on his feet, and falls over when he sneezes. Damn it. Not now. Though I have been preparing for his death for the past two years, I am not ready. It is not a good time. I don't want to say goodbye. So, I do my best to nurse him on-and-off all day to try to get him better. He seems a little better, but it still wobbly on his feet.

I finally call the Vet to see if there is anything they can do. Of course they offer up thousands of dollars worth of tests, but we have been down that road with him his whole life and his illness is unexplainable. I don't need to pay for tests to confirm, yep, he is really sick. And no, I don't want to hear someone tell me I may want to consider putting him down. Finally, I get the Vet to agree to let me bring him in the morning to see if we can give him some anti-biotics and fluids to see if that helps him.

Thursday morning we begin the day with Maggie's school conference. Let's hope that goes well. I have learned with school conferences that I never know whether I will get a curve ball or not, so I try to set myself up to not freak out about the small things that may get mentioned (I have been known to do so). Lisa and I both coach ourselves to remember that we feel like Maggie is doing wonderful, and that nothing is too big of a deal. That seems to help, usually.

So, in the morning, it's off to the school conference and then to the Vet. I am hoping Kenny makes it through the night. He is laying unusually close to me tonight. We've been here before and he has pulled out of it. I just know that one of these times he won't, and I hope it is not now.

Sometimes the journey is not fun, but at least I know that we all have each other through it.

A teenager has invaded my 6 year old!

I thought parenting was getting easier now that our daughter is old enough to listen and understand what we are saying. I think it actually may become more challenging. My little six year old baby who always listened to everything we had to say has decided she has opinion about most everything, and she is going to let us know when it doesn't match our opinion. In fact, I think she might disagree just to disagree at times, especially when it comes to clothes and hair!

This weekend, I can't tell you how many times I asked her to do something and she responded with "no." I realize she is testing limits, etc. but this is really getting challenging :-) It is still kind of shocking to hear her say "no" because we have been so spoiled by having a child who was a good listener and had a healthy respect for her parents and consequences. Now, it is an effort not to battle over everything!

She wants to watch tv all the time. Instead of listening to the first time I say no, she now won't let it go and will keep on asking, begging, and sometimes just outright going and turning on the tv herself. Yesterday, I threatened to ban all tv watching from the house, period (I meant it! Lisa would have died). She stopped at that threat, but I imagine she will still come back to battle the issue again.

Has a teenager invaded Maggie's body?

My daughter is only 6, and I had heard that it will suddenly become more challenging, but sheesh! Overnight, it is like a little teenager invaded her body! She even said she wanted to eat dinner in her room last night. What!! I would expect that from a teenager, but not my little 6 year old.

I realize we can be boring company compared to the excitement offered by her peers, but I didn't realize we were that boring. The other day she told me she didn't want to talk on the way home from school because "adult talk" is boring. I laughed, and agreed. I made an effort to talk at her level of interest, but she said it just wasn't the same. Sigh.

It is such a tricky balance, this parenting thing. There is so much I want to share with my daughter in any given day, but there is never enough time for what I want to do, what she wants to do, and what we have to do. I still haven't had time to teach her what she needs to know for karate this week, but I am holding out hope that she won't be too tired after school today, and that we can fit it in before dinner. Then we need to practice reading, but of course she will ask if she can have a play date or watch tv, first. And I will tell her no, and she will be upset with me. Oh, our predictable life.

Last night we had terrible thunderstorms in the middle of the night. I was comforted that my little baby wanted to sleep in our bed because she was scared. At least she still shows some signs of needing us beyond our roles as chauffeur and cook.

Even in the midst of whatever phase we are going through, at least she tells me several times a day that she loves me. So, though we battle, we both know we still love each other.

Next week I get to spend some quality time with her over Spring Break. I am glad both of us will be focused on enjoying our vacation and not so worried about the day-to-day chores of life. I will try to respect her extreme need for social time with her friends, and hopefully she will give me some of her adorable daughter time without a battle. A mom can hope....

A rainy night in Georgia

Hmmm... long day. Spent a lot of it preparing for a work event for gay dads, then doing the event, then cleaning it up. Maggie was with me and we were both beat by the end of it. She wanted to come because she saw me buy some arts-and crafts-stuff, and knew there would be kids there. My girl loves to socialize, no matter whether she knows the kids or not. I am sure this will serve her well later in life.

We came home to rain storms. Another soccer game rained out for Maggie. Our soccer team is having a heck of a lot of rain on our practice and game days. Oh well, I don't think Maggie minded. I think she could use a little down time. She spent the rest of the afternoon dressing up first as fairies, and then as various super heroes. I love that kid--a princessy, tom-boy. We'll see how that works out over the next year or two when she firms up her identity some.

My happy Nick-Nick

Maggie loves the babies!

We baby sat our Godson Nicholas tonight--or Nick-Nick as we like to call him. Either he is a breeze as a 7 month old baby or we have gotten a heck of a lot better at this parenting thing than the first time around. Maggie used to wear us out, but he is so easy. He laughed pretty much until he fell asleep. Woke up once screaming, but that only lasted about 3 minutes and he was back asleep. Easy-peezy as Maggie likes to say.

It is a little weird babysitting him knowing that we thought we would have a baby home with us now. I hate even having those thoughts and am glad he is not old enough to even know we might have them. It is nice having the baby around the house even if he isn't ours--especially a happy one! Definitely gives me an idea of what it will be like with taking care of Maggie at the same time. Still haven't mastered holding the baby and cooking dinner at the same time. A friend tells me I need some special one-armed cook book for moms that is out there--apparently all the meals in the cookbook can be made with one arm.

Our photography people sent us 5-6 photo samples tonight to tie me over until they get them all edited (they must have heard through the heavens that I was whining for them). Of course every shot with Maggie was amazing. I only liked one photo with just me and Lisa (not good since that is what we need), and the photo I thought looked really good with Lisa she didn't like. She thought she looked too tired. Guess we just don't like to see ourselves in photos much, but the adoption process requires it, and I am sure we will appreciate having them later in life. Gosh, if we could only all photograph like Maggie. I am holding out hope that we will like more of the photos when they send them all.

Can't believe this is the last week of March. I need to start thinking about our upcoming Spring Break vacation. Of course, Maggie is simple, she wants to do everything her friends will be doing. I am hoping for more down time around the pool. I am also toying with introducing her to Harry Potter so we can go to the new Harry Potter exhibit while we are in Orlando. She is probably a year too early, but I bet her two friends going will know about him and want to go.

Karate update: two days have just gone by and we have not practiced! I hope we get some practice in tomorrow. The days just fly by. I guess the good news is that we are never bored with our lives. I have never understood how people could have so little going on that they are bored. I am a bit jealous of however they pull that off. Nope, bored is not a word I think we have ever used to describe our lives.

Off to bed so we can tackle a busy, unpredictable tomorrow. I hope it brings good things.

Pollen, pollen everywhere

It is such a beautiful time of year here in Georgia. The flowers and trees are blooming with wild abandon, but with this comes pollen, pollen everywhere. Typically, I can't stand the rain and would love sunshine year round, but at this time of year, it would be great if it rained every third day to wash away the pollen. Otherwise, our cars and decks have a yellowish-green dust on them, and everyone walks around sneezing for a few weeks. I guess a few weeks of this pollen is not so bad in exchange for the beauty we get. You probably have to see it to understand the amount of pollen I am talking about.

We had to hire a dog trainer yesterday because our neighbor is rightfully insisting we do something about our dog, Sara, who wants to bark at her dog the entire summer. We had hoped she would grow out of it with some basic obedience from us, but no such luck. This will be our 3rd summer with her, so we had to call in the big guns. The crazy thing is that she is such a gentle, easy-going dog in the house.



Apparently, Sara likes to patrol our backyard out of fear. She runs the fence line whenever she is out, making sure no dogs or people try to enter. She sees this as her job, and we are supposed to totally change her perspective of the backyard. We have to teach her that it is a place to relax, and not patrol. Oye.... So, now she is not allowed outside without us, and when she is outside, she has to wear a long leash. Only problem, the dog won't go to the bathroom with a leash on. Not only that, she won't move with the leash on unless we guide her. So, at least she has been very chilled in the backyard, but I am not sure how this is going to all work out. I knew this trainer wasn't going to come fix the problem for us, and would want us to be the ones to do the work, but I was still kind of hoping she would just do it :-) A girl can hope!

Not a lot happening on the adoption front. A lot of people ask, but unfortunately adoption doesn't usually work that quickly. It is not like we can say, oh, it didn't work last month, so we are going to try another fertility treatment this month. Adoption doesn't work that way. We have little, to no control over the process. We have no idea if it will happen today or months from now.

I have been keeping busy with work and Maggie, so I don't obsess about the waiting to adopt. I have spent a lot of time at work lately trying to help people figure out the best way for them to start their journey to parenthood. Some will adopt from foster care, some plan to do open adoption, and others are on the path to trying to have their own biological children. I enjoy putting what I have learned to good use for others.

Maggie is getting ready to become a green belt in karate. She has been a blue belt for a while, but to get to the next level she has to learn a "kata" that has 22 movements. That's a lot for a 6 year old and her momma to remember. No one tells you when you sign your kid up for karate that the parents have to learn it too. So, now, in between all of our other things, we are trying to get this kata down. I have resisted learning it for a while, hoping Maggie would just pick it up in class, but now I see I am going to have to learn it, too. I have learned most of it, but now I have Maggie in the background saying "that's not how you do it!" Then, I have to get the video out to show her that I am right. Unfortunately, when you watch the video, all the movements look backwards because her Sensei is facing the video camera. This is hard for both of us to translate! Anyway, we are hoping that if we work on it, she will pass her test by the end of next week. I'll keep you posted!

I am still waiting on the results of our family photo shoot and our adoption website. FRUSTRATING! I hate waiting on things I can't control. It actually crossed my mind today to just tell the photographer to send me all the photos and I will edit them myself. I am sure they would think I am a crazy person if I did that, so I'll try to be patient a few more days.

If you can't tell, I like instant gratification. Once I make a decision to do something, I like to get it done. Not a good personality trait for the open adoption process, either.

Last night we babysat our Godson, Nicholas. He is around 8 months old, but he is as big as an 18 month old! It gave us a good preview of what it will be like to have a newborn and trying to keep the house running. Maggie was so sweet and excited to have him over. She has such a big heart. She wanted him to spend the night because she loves having him around so much. She was really distraught, but was comforted knowing one day she will have her own baby brother or sister. She loves babies for some reason...

I am off to shop for my program for gay dads I am putting on tomorrow. Somehow, I need to convince Maggie running errands with me is more exciting than watching Sesame Street.

I Would Die For That

Today, I saw this video posted on a friend's Facebook page (thanks, LW). My friend and her partner recently adopted a beautiful baby boy. Like us, her child is everything to her. I don't know if it is just some of us, but I completely get the meaning behind this song that she would die to be a mother.

Obviously, not everyone wants to be a mother, and not everyone can choose to parent given their life circumstances. I know some people don't get what this women is singing. Just like I don't get when I hear women say they love to be pregnant. I totally understand the desire to become a parent, whether through biology or adoption, but who in their right mind loves being pregnant? Totally foreign concept to me, but I know a lot of women feel it. It is just not in me, which is probably why I didn't get pregnant when I tried for a year. We are all different.

I am so truly grateful, that despite our many shortcomings, God placed within Lisa and me this passion for our child, and future children. I think we were both surprised by how important our role as parents is for us. From the very moment Maggie was placed into our lives, there was no going back. My role as mother was the most amazingly, wonderful role God has given me.

Despite the shit that we sometimes endure (like yesterday), it is our role as parents, our strength in family, and the beauty of a child that makes life worth living. We never would have known that had we not traveled down this path toward open adoption. We thank God and our birthmother everyday for allowing us to parent an amazing child, and we pray God brings another child to us to parent who we expect will be equally amazing in their own way.

Recently, a friend of mine argued with me about my work when I said being a mother was more important to me. It is not that I don't love my work, but being a mother is sooooo much more important to me. I know enough to know that in the end, whether working or not, I will have helped people in this life, and for that I will feel good about myself. But, having children, helping mold them into happy, good people, that is the most important calling for me. And that is not to pass judgment on anyone else who feels differently about themselves.

When I am sipping pina coladas on the beach in Hawaii in my retirement, I hope more than anything, I will look back on my life and feel good about the work I did as a parent. And I hope I have the type of relationship with my children that they will want to visit us often!

Love to you all!
Kathy

The Prince of Lake Charles

So, today, at some point while I was cruising the web, I looked at some pictures of people holding newborn babies. I can't even remember what site I was on--probably some adoption site showing people who had recently adopted. And for the first time, before my eyes, there were two babies who looked just like our baby boy from February. 

I knew neither picture was him, but it brought me right back to being with him.

I think how can I keep coming back to you baby? I need to move on. I must get past my grief for you, and wish you well in your life. At least that is what I have been thinking I need to do in order to survive our loss of you.

Then I think, maybe I will never get past my grief of losing you---of loving you---of holding you---our perfect little angel. We nurtured you for 4 months. We held you for 5 days. We will love you forever.

But that does not mean we cannot love another. Little angel, our hearts our big, and we can love you from afar, and another little angel in our future. I think this is the way God intended. It was not my choice, even though at some point it felt like I could choose to run with you, to fight for you. If I had done that, it might have hurt my daughter or destroyed my family. I so wanted to be your mommy. And Lisa so wanted to be your Mia. And Maggie so wanted to be your big sister. But for reasons we will probably never understand, God wouldn't allow it.

Though you do not exist in our house, in our arms, or in the nursery we made for you, you will always be in our hearts. If you could call out, I would come for you. It is probably good you can't call for me,  and I truly pray you will never need to. Because I will come, and that may not be a good thing.

You are our precious Lake Charles Angel. Though we wanted to spit on the state of Louisiana for a good month after we left because of all the torment we experienced there, I don't really feel that way because you are there. You were born there. You live there. And we know you will probably be there for a long time. We will worry about you every time a hurricane is coming. We will always wonder if we will meet you again one day. How can we not meet you, our son, whom we named?

I guess only God knows. I will search your name every now and again on Google to make sure you are okay. I will always pray for you, and hope that God gives you the life you deserve despite the circumstances we left you in. I will try to sneak our family near there one day, hoping that maybe we will get a glimpse of you and that you will be okay. Maybe we will be able to help you one day if you need it. I pray you will never need it.

The Prince of Lake Charles

We love you, son, even though you do not live with us. We always will. Even when we get that wonderful call to come get our new baby, you will still be in our hearts because you were once ours.

Now I understand when parents say there is plenty of room in your heart for all your children. I believe there really is. Do not think the new baby replaces our love for you. We will love you both, just as we love Maggie. God made our hearts big, so for that, I am grateful.

Goodnight, my son.

Our adoption blog has gone international!

Wow, our adoption blog has gone international. According to Blogspot, our adoption blog has been seen in the U.S. (the most, obviously), Iran, India, Canada, United Kingdom, and Indonesia. That's crazy! I can't imagine how it has had the far of reach other than to really appreciate the viral nature of the internet (and the niceness of friends and strangers). I have a Facebook friend from Canada who posted our site on her FB wall, so I am guessing that is how those from Canada came about it. Not sure about the others. But, just goes to show you that this method can really raise awareness about our desire to adopt.

Why is this important? Because like Kevin Bacon's 6 Degrees of Separation, everyone knows someone who eventually knows someone who has had an unplanned pregnancy and may want to consider adoption. Just today a friend of mine was telling me about how a friend of hers is in an adoption situation based on knowing a friend who knew a friend who eventually knew the mom of a pregnant 16 year old who wants to place for adoption. A lot of times that is how open adoption happens.

Yes, many of us hire these big agencies to help us find women interested in exploring open adoption, but we know of many open adoptions that happened through a network of friends (and sometimes that network extended far).

We don't know if our networking through this blog will do us any good. We don't know if anyone considering adoption has actually even seen our blog and letter, but at least we know if you are reading this you may remember us if you run across someone who has had an unplanned pregnancy.

Last night I read an article about adoption marketing that had a lot of good ideas, especially if you are going it alone without an agency. I don't think we are ready to go that far because we do have this fancy-pants agency we've hired that is helping us to find a birthmother. But, there are a lot of easy things we can do that might increase our exposure. It's better than sitting around feeling helpless about the adoption process.

In our own adoption story of Maggie, many people are surprised to learn that after working with an agency for 18 months, we actually ended up finding our own birthmother, and she is perfect in so many ways. So, I say this to say you never know how it will happen.

Today, we got to hold precious little baby Adam who was recently adopted through open adoption. He is so cuddly and cute--I really didn't want to give him back, but alas the moms said we had to. Maggie said when we got home how much she wished she had her brother or sister already living here, and I tried my best to remind her that God has a plan for our family, and hopefully we will find out soon enough. It is so sweet to see how nurturing she is with babies and toddlers, everyone else for that matter!

If you would like to help in our journey, please post this to your Facebook wall and ask people to take a look at it.

Maggie flying her first kite!

As far as milestones go, Maggie learned how to fly a kite today. Even with very little wind, she was able to get it up in the sky. She was so proud of herself. And I am so happy she was able to do that today. We can't take for granted the good life we have and how much the simple pleasures can be the best experiences.

Feeling grateful~
Kathy

Busy, busy Saturday

Maggie at her soccer game today!

Busy, busy Saturday. Today, Maggie had karate and a soccer game. Lisa took her to both so I could get ready for a work seminar. Maggie is becoming quite the little athlete!

I spent the afternoon hosting a seminar for gay people who are interested in becoming parents. I love this part of my job--getting to talk with people about the options available to gay people wanting to add children to their family, and helping them figure out the best option for their family.

One of the reasons I enjoy doing this so much is because when we first started thinking about having a child, there was really no information out there. We just assumed that since we were lesbians, we should try to have a biological child. We wasted $15,000, and a year of our time before some friends educated us about open adoption.

Having a biological child was never important to either of us, so adoption was clearly the best route for us once we learned about it. Yes, I am biased--I love to help people learn about open adoption, but I do try to do my best to educate everyone about the option that is best for them. For some people, it is important to have a biological child or to be pregnant (I was never looking forward to getting pregnant, I am too much of a baby!), and so I help them figure out the best course given their situation.

It's an exciting time in their lives, and I feel lucky to teach them what I know to help them figure out their journey. It's fun to help people build their families. Well, at least to me it is :-)

Today, a lesbian couple in their 40s walked in the door thinking they had to try to have a child biologically--this would have been difficult and super expensive given their ages. They said, "we didn't even know gay people were allowed to adopt in Georgia." I was glad to help them, but thought it was so sad that they were thinking this was the case. So, my crusade continues...

Now if I could just teach Maggie's dog to stop barking at the neighbor's dog, life would be great. She is from the Caribbean, so she doesn't understand that in Georgia, we act neighborly to everyone--even the dogs!

Gay or Single Need Not Apply

Back some 7-8 years ago when we first looked into open adoption, we really liked that the birthparents were able to choose the people they wanted to raise their child. Instead of handing over their child to just anyone that someone else picks out, they get to pick a family that they like, and one that may share the values that they think will be good for the child they are considering placing for adoption.

So, open adoption can be very cool in that birthparents get to pick whoever they want. They can pick a single person, a heterosexual couple, two-women couple, two-men couple, someone young, someone old, religious people, non-religious people (you get the drift, it's their choice).

It is true that there are many agencies and adoption attorneys who work with same-sex couples and single people, but there are also a ton who outright refuse to help these people. It is not one of those situations where gay or single people's money is just as good as heterosexual married couples. For these discriminators, they think they know best who birthparents should pick to adopt their children, so they don't even allow birthparents to know about these other people wanting to adopt.

Some 7-8 years ago we were delighted that there were adoption professionals and websites that would work with us as equal human beings wanting to adopt a child. It is hard to believe in all this time there are still so many agencies and websites that refuse to allow same-sex couples and single people to let birthparents know about their desire to adopt. It is hard to believe these discriminators are so hardcore in their discrimination as if they have superior knowledge about who will be a good parent, and who will not.

The other day, I decided to write very nice e-mails asking some of the profile sites why they did not have any same-sex couples listed on their site. These websites are important because so many birthparents find their adoptive families online now. From my e-mail, they could not have known whether I was a birthmother or an adoptive parent. And do you know what, not a one of them wrote me back. You would have thought they could have at least said, we're sorry, our values just don't allow it, or something like that.

Well, despite the obstacles so many of us face in creating our families, birthparents are still finding us, and I think most of us are doing a spectacular parenting job. I am thankful that so many birthparents chose those of us who are gay or single. We just have to work a lot harder to make sure they find us.

Yes, people, we are still adopting

I am amazed how many people have asked me if we are still going to adopt after what happened to us with our February failed adoption. Of course we are! We have made that abundantly clear, yet even as the words come out of my mouth people will say to me "yeah, but with what happened and all, I didn't think you would do it again."

I know I should cut people slack who aren't familiar with the joys and heartache that can go along with open adoption, but I can't always be so perfect as to not get pissed once in a while.

For those not familiar with open adoption, failed adoptions can be a part of the process, and hopefully anyone doing an open adoption is aware of that challenge and can handle it emotionally. We know many people who say they can't handle the possibility of a failed adoption, or even the roller coaster ride that sometimes happens with open adoption.

That is not us. We went into this fully aware of how open adoption works and the risks involved. Hell yes, we were emotionally devastated when our adoption fell apart, but we NEVER, EVER had any thoughts of quitting. We know in our hearts that the right baby and birthparents will find us. I am sorry if you can't understand that or can't bare to watch us go through it because it might not come in a neatly wrapped package.

Open adoption is a journey that leads to beautiful results. Certainly you can see that if you know our daughter Maggie. We are the luckiest people alive to be picked by her birthmother to raise her. Not a day goes by that we don't think about how grateful we are for the little miracle we have been entrusted.

I am so sorry for those who do not understand the beauty of open adoption. We fully appreciate it and know we will find the baby that was meant for us through it.

If you happen to read this post, please don't ask me if we are quitting. We wouldn't be who we are if we quit. We are so tougher than that, and our love for our daughter and future baby wouldn't allow it.

Peace~
Kathy

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Maggie was delighted to learn that today was both pizza day at school and St. Patrick's Day, so much that she started seeing leprechans in our backyard and on the way to school.

During our breakfast time discussion, we discussed what it means to be Irish and what people do on St. Patrick's Day. I explained to her that some of my anscestors and Lisa's ancestors were Irish, so that made us part Irish. She wanted to know if her birthmother was part Irish, or if she celebrated St. Patrick's Day. This was a "wow" moment because I think it is the first time she really verbalized this type of understanding of her adoption.

I told Maggie I didn't think her birthparents had any Irish in them, but that lots of people who aren't Irish like to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by wearing green and drinking green beer (yes, green beer is on my mind). I agreed I would ask her birthmother if she celebrated St. Patrick's Day.

I explained to her that with a name like Maggie Aileen Kelly, she was kind of adopted into at least a little bit of Irish because her moms are part Irish and have an Irish name. She liked that idea--any excuse to celebrate a fun holiday, right! I am sure she will decide for herself later whether she wants to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Until then, today she put on her green shirt and socks and yelled Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone! (My girl likes any excuse to celebrate).

On a side note, I don't know how we ended up giving her such an Irish-sounding name. I guess we had to go with our last name Kelly, and "Maggie" was the only name that jumped at us at the time, and her birthmother picked Aileen. So, I am sure there will be times when someone is calling out her name and will look right past her because they will be looking for a little Irish-looking girl.

In any event, whether you are truly Irish or not, Happy St. Patrick's Day for whatever that means to you.

What's in a name?

We are blessed that we already have a jam-packed nursery ready for the delight of whatever little angel comes into our lives. Between all the stuff we bought, and the generosity of so many friends who just had babies, we have a full nursery ready to go.

We are open to having a baby of any gender, ethnicity, or race, so we know it is in God's hands as to who we are blessed to have in our lives. Last month we thought we would be adopting a boy, so even though the nursery was designed to be gender neutral, we did add some typical boy art work, and specifically I made some wooden letters of our baby's name that are currently hanging on the wall.

The weirdness of our failed adoption story from last month is that we were able to name the baby with the name we had chosen if it was to be a boy. Now, we are torn as to whether we should use that name again if it is a boy, or whether it is like a child who died, and we should not use the same name. I am leaning toward wanting to use the same name if it is a boy.

Yes, it feels a little weird, but at the same time I think it helps us to reclaim some of what we lost. I think we gave the little baby boy in Louisiana a strong name, and I hope that helps in some way (if you believe in that sort of thing).

Anyway, our nursery that we are going to re-organize this weekend has his name on the wall. Some people have suggested we need to take it down for our own grieving process. I don't feel like we need to unless we 1. have a girl, or 2. decide to name the baby something else. It doesn't make me feel down when I see it on the wall. It makes me wonder if we will have a baby boy, or whether we will get the surprise of another girl.

Weigh in if you have any thoughts. I purposely haven't put his name here because I am not sure I want you to know :-)

Just went live!

I just went live with our adoption blog on my Facebook page. That's a lot of privacy I just gave up! Hopefully, it won't be something I regret. I know I have a wonderful network of friends, so I am hoping that maybe by sharing a little more of our experience they will 1. learn more about open adoption, and 2. possibly know someone who wants to place a baby for adoption and will pass our information along.

Our regular adoption website has not been completed yet, so don't be shocked if the link isn't working. I hope by the end of the week it will all tie together (yes, I am an optimist!).

Please think about who you might know who works with women who might have an unplanned pregnancy and pass our site along. Also, we hope you will leave nice comments -- mean ones will be deleted :-)

And finally, if you want to read more about our failed adoption experience, you can find it under the "Oh February" post.


LOVE TO EVERYONE!

Kathy and Lisa

Waiting....

Like so many adoptive parents, waiting is such a difficult process. Having virtually no control over whether the phone rings today, next week, or many months from now is a hard one to sit with. Wait, wait, wait.

I imagine there are people who are laid back and just go on with their lives until they get the magical call. Unfortunately, I am definitely not one of those people. I don't like to think of myself as obsessive, but I have always obsessed about the adoption process (both with Maggie and now this adoption). It's funny because most people would see Lisa as the control freak--or the one who needs to control what is happening in her life. The truth on this one is that I obsess about it all the time, and Lisa is much more relaxed about it.

I wonder, is there something I could be doing to help us build our family? A lot of the time I must feel like there is since I troll the web about adoption stuff pretty regularly. Other times I think the right baby will find us on its own time-table. That was certainly the case with Maggie--a brutal, 18 month wait---but, oh so worth the wait. Or, I think God has a plan for us, and it won't matter what I do and don't do, so I should stop thinking about it.

Tonight I am running the first adoption support group for people who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgender (LGBT) for my job --I also opened it up to straight people who are adopting, but I am not sure if they will come). I certainly know how lonely the adoption wait can be, so I am hoping others will come so we can share our experiences together, and give each other support and tips to help each of us through this process. 

Other than that, I am feeling stuck in the mud today. No pictures yet from the photo shoot. No new draft of our website. Nothing happening with us from the agency today. Nothing that I know of happening on the adoption front. And that is the thing--you never know when something might be happening and you don't even know it!

In closing, today has been a great afternoon with Maggie. We came home from school and she was able to read a 30 page book quickly and without any help from me (this is a big hooray!). Then she decided she was going to make a fruit salad for a healthy snack--she put in everything but the kitchen sink, and covered herself in it as she ate it. Now we are heading off to karate before my group tonight.

Take care if you are out there!

Another busy weekend

Well, we made it through another busy weekend. Truth be told, we always have busy weekends, especially since Maggie was born.

I was so planning on being organized for our photo shoot on Saturday. Friday, I was planning on trying on different outfits to see what looked best for us to wear Saturday. That didn't happen. Maggie talked us into letting her sleep in our room Friday, and we all ended up going to sleep by 8:30! I woke back up about 10:30 and stayed up late, but it was too late for anything like planning our clothes--especially since Lisa was sound asleep. The weather still couldn't make up its mind whether it was going to Winter or Spring-like, so that definitely added to the challenge.

So, instead of being super organized, we woke up late Saturday and rushed to get everyone showered and simply clothed before the noon photo shoot. You wouldn't think that would have been such a difficult task, but everyone was tired and we all slept too late. We like to relax in the morning if we don't have to be at work or school, and sometimes we take that relaxation a little too far and misjudge our timing of getting ready.

I hope the clothes we wore were okay. Of course, Maggie always looks amazing, so that won't be an issue. Hopefully, our photographer, Ian, took such great photos that you won't even notice what we are wearing. Though, I am a little skeptical of the photos. Since we weren't relaxed like I had hoped, and we took so many photos, I feel like I am going to look like I had this phoney looking fake smile on my face (let alone my other imperfections). Oh, and did I mention my 6 year old daughter woke up with her first pimple on her face that day! Oh well. It is done. I am just hoping for the best.

Right after the photo shoot Maggie had her first soccer game of the season. She hadn't practiced with the team yet since her practice was rained out the Wednesday before, but we eventually managed to find the team and get in the game. Maggie looked adorable in her little soccer uniform. Her little legs look so athletic, so it will be interesting to see if she takes to soccer now that she is a little older. I thought she did really well given she didn't know anyone and hadn't played on a soccer team since she was 3 (if you could call 3 year old soccer "playing"). After the game, we went and bought some new shin guards and cleats, which I should have done before the game. They told me the kids at this age didn't need cleats, etc., but when we got there those kids were all decked out and taking the game quite seriously.

Sunday we had to face the lost hour of sleep through day-light's saving time. We all felt rough for what was an especially busy day for us. Lisa and Maggie spent a long mornng/afternoon at church, while I took care of some things at home. After church, I was on duty for the pop star birthday party Maggie was attending, and then followed by a Daisy Girl Scout meeting. Maggie looked exhausted by the end of Daisy Scouts, but if you know my girl, she was so "I am not tired, who can I have a play date with?"

We had to call it a day for her own good. Lisa worked with Maggie on her reading while I went to the grocery store for some much needed groceries. Before we had Maggie, Lisa and I could live off of no groceries for days as long as we had soda in the fridge. Now, we keep much better eating habits.

I made dinner because I realized we were getting way out of control with eating out. We have been allowing ourselves to eat out a lot more since the adoption fell apart. Typically we try to limit eating out so we can eat healthier and have a nice family meal around our dinner table. Plus, we realized after taking our Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course that we were spending a ton of money on eating out that could be better spent elsewhere. Needless to say, I bought enough groceries so we can start eating home more most of the time.

Hopefully this week we will see our new adoption website. I know there is a draft that the design person is working on, so I am anxious to see it when it is done. I think we are ready to step up our marketing so we can get our profile in front of more birthmothers. 

I read an article this morning about a local woman who wrote a book about her adoption journey. Her name is Rebecca Falco, and she has 5 children through open adoption. Though it made me feel optimistic that we can adopt again, it also made me frustrated that she has 5 children through open adoption, and we are struggling to add a second child to our family. I am sure if I read her book it wasn't as easy as it looks on the outside.

Peace!
Kathy