Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Some days I could just lose my mind. The adoption wait---the uncertainty of everything, can drive me mad! Today is one of those days. I don't know why it seems worse these days, but something has me preoccupied with it all.
Not being able to control all the adoption stuff is perhaps the worst. I don't know if the agency is showing our profile or not, or whether there is a birth mother considering us today and we don't even know it. I'll never get over how our agency knew about our last match for 3 weeks before they told us about it.
A friend of mine was telling me how two weeks ago she was crying about the whole adoption wait, thinking that it would never happen for her, and today she is in a hotel room with her new baby girl. She had no idea it was coming, and then her miracle appeared.
I am trying to stay distracted, but my mind wanders back. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
I just had to say that to get it out of my system.
Nothing ever comes easy to us. It's true. Not one damn thing has come to us easy in our lives. Yes, we are extremely blessed, but we have worked our asses off to get to where we are. I have accepted that Lisa and I just don't have the easy route (or an easy button for that matter). Once, when we were telling a therapist this in casual conversation (she was a good ten years younger than us), she suggested we might want to get therapy about that type of thinking one day. I had to laugh. Lisa and I have been around a long time, dealt with some major shit in our lives, and have accepted that things don't come easy to us, and that's okay. Sometimes it is best just to accept how things work in your life than to keep trying to change it.
God has given us the path we are on. We don't understand the why or the what, and at times we get angry about the things that happen in our lives. Our sanity rests with the acceptance that yes, nothing seems to come easy to us, but in the end, we know we have a lot of blessings.
Our adoption experience is a testament to our thinking. Maggie's adoption took us 18 painful months before we were blessed with her in our lives. I think we lost our minds many times during that process, but we now realize we would not have wanted it to happen any other way. We think God played a role in how it all played out (that's another story).
For our second adoption, we knew it was too good to be true when we matched with a birth mother in 7 weeks, and held a baby at 4 months. We honestly thought God might be making up all the difficult times we had experienced in our past because we were just so not used to experiencing such good fortune. It was the only way we could explain it to ourselves because amazing luck like that never happens to us. And, of course, it was too good to be true. After 4 difficult months, our adoption fell apart when an unknown birth father showed up to the baby's birth, and he wanted to parent the baby.
Somehow, I want God, or the universe, or our adoption agency, to make up for that dreadful experience by bringing our little angel into our lives NOW. Is that too much to ask? I guess so.
I guess I just have to stay the course as my adoption agency told us. It is hard. If you haven't been on this side of the fence, you have no idea.
I count my blessings everyday--especially the little angel we have already been blessed with. But, I am ready to begin a new chapter with a new angel. And my little girl so wants to be a big sister. It is hard not to be able to just make it happen.
I know it will happen when the universe is ready. I just wanted to make sure the universe knows that we are ready (in case it wasn't paying attention).
We are ready and waiting, so the phone can ring any time now :-)
And don't forget to "like" our Facebook page if you haven't already (this gives me sanity because at least something is happening that I know about). Click here to like our Facebook adoption page!