Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Gives Again....

Maggie at Sea World
A rainy day on our Spring Break vacation today. Not much done. We went to see the movie "Hop," which I actually thought was cute. Then later went to an all-you-can-eat lobster and crab place for a birthday dinner for one of the mommies in the group.

Yesterday, we went to Sea World. It was a great day. Perfect weather, and a fun time. We especially enjoyed the Dolphin Show that we have somehow managed to miss over all these past years down here. The park wasn't crowded, so the lines were very do-able for the rides. I did myself in trying to follow Maggie twice on the ropes course there. If you've been to Sea World, and are over 30, you know what I mean when I say that course is not meant for adults. Holy Crap! My legs were like spaghetti by the time I climbed back down. Maggie loved playing in the water for a couple of hours while some of her friends road the more intense rides. Last year she liked them, but this year she is not into the roller coasters and other super-intense rides, which is fine by me.

Water Play at Sea World

I noticed yesterday Maggie was rather quiet, and acting a little withdrawn. If you know Maggie, she is very consistently super happy and outgoing. Yesterday, she didn't seem like herself. Today, even more so. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. Could it really be the loose tooth that hasn't come out yet? The cold? The Spring Break exhaustion? The trying to navigate the dynamics of having three little girls all around the same age? Nope, none of those guesses. Unfortunately, it can take days (and possibly never) to figure out what is going on with a 6 year old. She just can't articulate it yet. Or, at least when I probe for answers from every angle I can think of.

The last two night she has seemed a little uneasy at bedtime, which is another unusual for Maggie, especially with friends around. Tonight, she asked me to lay with her in bed to cuddle before she went to sleep. While we were cuddling, from her silence, she suddenly began talking about the baby from our failed adoption and his biological father. She was wondering how the baby was doing, and said she thought he was having fun with the biological father. She seemed bothered when I said I hope so. She quickly wanted to know why I thought that was a good thing. I explained to her that since we love the little baby, we want him to be happy and have fun. That seemed to make sense to her. She went on to talk about what a beautiful baby he was, and how she missed him. She started crying and hugging my neck. It caught me a little off guard, and pissed me off that my little girl is still grieving the loss of this little baby. Damn it. She is at the happiest place on earth, and she has fallen back into thinking about our sadness.

I have an idea that since there are two young baby boys staying with us that it has triggered these feelings for her. The Maggie I am used to would be so happy to be here with friends that she wouldn't even have time to have these feelings. My little girl is growing up, and is more aware than I realize.

I talked to her about how God has a special little brother or sister in mind for us, and that this baby will come into our lives when God has found the right one for our family. I believe this, so I hope my little girl believes it. I think she does, but I also can feel her frustration in waiting and wondering. Sometimes I think she thinks there is something wrong with us because the adoption fell apart. She is not old enough to understand what really happened, so we just do the best we can to explain it to her again.

I promised her one day soon she will be a big sister. She really needs this for whatever reason--it is just who she is. And she is going to be a great big sister.

She looked wiped out after she talked to me, and then was finally able to fall asleep as she clutched my hand in hers. I had a few tears stream down my cheek to think that my daughter is struggling with this again. In the past, I might have cried over the failed adoption, but now my tears are about my baby girl and her struggle.

Even as I move on, I have to remember we all grieve at different paces.

So, as we are visiting the happiest place on earth, we finish this day with some sadness, but hope for a happier day tomorrow.

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