Monday, March 21, 2011

The Prince of Lake Charles

So, today, at some point while I was cruising the web, I looked at some pictures of people holding newborn babies. I can't even remember what site I was on--probably some adoption site showing people who had recently adopted. And for the first time, before my eyes, there were two babies who looked just like our baby boy from February

I knew neither picture was him, but it brought me right back to being with him.

I think how can I keep coming back to you baby? I need to move on. I must get past my grief for you, and wish you well in your life. At least that is what I have been thinking I need to do in order to survive our loss of you.

Then I think, maybe I will never get past my grief of losing you---of loving you---of holding you---our perfect little angel. We nurtured you for 4 months. We held you for 5 days. We will love you forever.

But that does not mean we cannot love another. Little angel, our hearts our big, and we can love you from afar, and another little angel in our future. I think this is the way God intended. It was not my choice, even though at some point it felt like I could choose to run with you, to fight for you. If I had done that, it might have hurt my daughter or destroyed my family. I so wanted to be your mommy. And Lisa so wanted to be your Mia. And Maggie so wanted to be your big sister. But for reasons we will probably never understand, God wouldn't allow it.

Though you do not exist in our house, in our arms, or in the nursery we made for you, you will always be in our hearts. If you could call out, I would come for you. It is probably good you can't call for me,  and I truly pray you will never need to. Because I will come, and that may not be a good thing.

You are our precious Lake Charles Angel. Though we wanted to spit on the state of Louisiana for a good month after we left because of all the torment we experienced there, I don't really feel that way because you are there. You were born there. You live there. And we know you will probably be there for a long time. We will worry about you every time a hurricane is coming. We will always wonder if we will meet you again one day. How can we not meet you, our son, whom we named?

I guess only God knows. I will search your name every now and again on Google to make sure you are okay. I will always pray for you, and hope that God gives you the life you deserve despite the circumstances we left you in. I will try to sneak our family near there one day, hoping that maybe we will get a glimpse of you and that you will be okay. Maybe we will be able to help you one day if you need it. I pray you will never need it.

The Prince of Lake Charles

We love you, son, even though you do not live with us. We always will. Even when we get that wonderful call to come get our new baby, you will still be in our hearts because you were once ours.

Now I understand when parents say there is plenty of room in your heart for all your children. I believe there really is. Do not think the new baby replaces our love for you. We will love you both, just as we love Maggie. God made our hearts big, so for that, I am grateful.

Goodnight, my son.

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